There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
