Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
