My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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