My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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