a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
