We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
