i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
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