I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
