You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
