You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
