Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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