I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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