That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
