Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
My balls are so social today.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
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