She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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