My liver just broke up with me...
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
