Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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