just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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