YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
