people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I met the friendliest cop last night
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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