Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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