that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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