Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
