they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
