I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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