i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
