I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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