I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
