Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
