i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
