The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
