Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
