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this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
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