His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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