I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Randomize
