Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
