The maid of honor just puked.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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