Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
