Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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