So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
