I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
