Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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