what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
