I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Never underestimate the power of titties
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