highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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