I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
