There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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