Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
