Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
