Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
